hungryd

chaotic.  thats the perfect word to describe my life right now.
and yes, im back on LJ ( i have an on and off relationship with my blog, apparently )
i just cant seem to catch up with the world nowadays.
its almost as if i just cant grasp the changes in my life. 
heres an idea of whats going on

1. I do not know what to do with my drama group.  I'm at a total lost at how to run it efficiently and responsibility.  I've always been the "2nd in command" that now, when i'm up on top, i dont know what to do.  theres no one telling me what to do and it freaks me out.  completely.  ive never submitted anything on time, im beating around the bush with the play, my frame of mind is in an 'on-again-off-again' mood when it comes to understanding the task at hand.  it scares me 'cause for once, ive been thrown into a position where i have no clue what im supposed do.  being the almost control freak that i am, it rattles me so much i can cry just thinking 'bout it.    asldkfjal;skdjflaskjdflakjsdflakjsdflkjas                  
2. I no longer know where i stand in my dance group. i choose not to elaborate on this one.  but, i shall say that everytime i think 'bout it, i do cry.  it saddens me so, 'cause i think ill never get used to feeling that way.  it sucks. asdfasdf
3. i have no idea on whats going on in school.  its like, i dont pay attention enough to see whats going on, and to know exactly when is what.  add in the fact that i alternate between dance and drama everyday, except thurday thank god, i am totally unaware of my school work and assignments.  well, not totally unaware but quite close.  good time to call for help, huh?                                        aasldkfaslkdjfal;skjdf;alksjdf;                             asdlfkjaslkdjf;alksjdf;lkajsdf;lkajsd;fkjas;dklfj;ask
4. I just made a decision that may possibly ruin me.  shall not elaborate either.                    asdflaksdjfalskjdflaskjdflajdslfjalsdkjflaksjdflakjsdlf
5. MY WARDROBE IS STILL IN A FREAKING MESS!  everytime i open the two doors it frustrates me to no end and i just want to pull out all the clothes!  but i dont 'cause i know i will arrange them back inside only to mess it all up again.  frustrating, being me.  heh.  and i have yet to really update my wardrobe.  i have bought some new stuff, but not alot.  i still need more to consider it a wardrobe haul - and i also need to clear the mess out and start chucking away or donating some of my unworn clothes.  so much work to be done.

so i guess it is safe to say that my life is in need of a great makeover.  or at least a bit more attention and clean up on my part.  when that will happen i dont know...i seem to have no time and self-discipline for something concrete to happen.



i also have no idea why my post today seems very proper and well written.  
in a sense i have l have not wrote a single "lah" "eh" "uh" "ah" "lorh" "horh" in any of the phrases or sentences.  amazing.  
the night is doing wonders to my english.  
or maybe its the fact that i just finished watch The Duchess last night and is currently influenced by the English.  
LOL!  what a joke.



i should seriously head off to bed.
its closing in on 2am and i have a sort of early start tomorrow.
dont think i want to poke my eyes tomorrow, so shall just wear my specs.



ill give it a shot and see what happens.

my boyfs a slacker!
this is a short excerpt of our conversation, when i wanted him to reply to my comment:

ohmygod jon. 



proven.

 Selamat Hari Raya!
okay, abit late but hey, better late than never.
have almost finished our ( my familys ) rounds.
a few more houses tomorrow and were 'bout done! phew!
here are some pictures









past few days have been aite..training for tarian has started!
yessarrr!  super happy 'cause of that(:
muscles are cramping once again, but its all good!
a form of exercise!  lol..
too much good food lah, during Hari Raya.



im a tad lazy to update now actually.
haha..just here to buy time..waiting for somebody who i think has forgotten 'bout me.
nevermind.
i shall just finish what i came online to do and go to sleep.
im too tired and too sleepy.



the reason why i guard myself is exactly 'cause of this;
i dont want to start liking somebody who may not be the one.
i mean yar lah, im still young, lots of fishes, not time to get tied down yet..
but still!  im so not into the whole 'lets get to know each other, get together, and break up two months later'
i hate that.
waste of my time, effort, and emotions - if any were involved.

you may be different, but somehow im still a tad apprehensive.
theres that little part of me that has the feeling that it will not last.
and yet theres another part that wants to trust you,
but it somehow feels...i dont know.
whatever lah.
i should start dating the right people.



daddy wants me to get married as soon as im done with school 0_0

 homg.  its all too overwhelming.
i just realised how much responsibility i have in drama.
i mean, i knew i have a lot, but now that main production is coming up, 
the level has just been raised by like, 10 notches!
and it hit me.
im scared.  like, really scared.

im scared of screwing up the whole thing,
and not meeting up to peoples expectations, 
and not being able to come up with a piece thats production worthy.
homg.  its really freaking me out.

freaking me out so much i want to back out.
but i know i cant.
when Juz was around i just had to support him;
but now that he cant commit, i have to take the reigns.
and damn its freaking me out.
im not prepared, so not prepared.
help me =(



got a weird text message from someone just now.

person:  Dhilah bukan?  ( Dhilah, no? )
me:  yes...whos this?

- end -

lol?  so i have no idea who they are.
whatever.



work is draining.
and training is starting!!!
yay!(:
monday will be the first training dayyyy.
am i happy?  ecstatic(:
like finally.  but only one problem:
drama and dance will clash, i think.
if drama is pushed forward a week, then no problem.
if kept within the same week of november...
"dun dun dun..!!!"
probleeeemmmm

my emotions are so jumbled up.
stress, ecstasy, fear.
gosh.
no wonder i melatar so much.  pffft.



i have to start fasting already. 

work was okay...im very happy today!
got to do BAR!!!
ohmygod many hearts to the bar!
theres seriously something 'bout bar that is just so...*sighs*
not that many things to memorise since most of the drinks are the old ones.
yay me!
bar again tomorrow =D



heard that The Time Traveler's Wife aint too good.
dang.
im scared it would be a waste of my money...
syaza said it wasnt fantastic.
hmmm...



outing with Delta on Friday!
would be from work so ill be tired, but its okay.
going to meet the lovely, crazy people of Delta(
have to remember to bring my camera!



okay i have nothing else to update.
oh!  have to remind myself to book my BTT.
stupid lah, i dont have Internet Explorer at home.
pfft.
leceh lah!
nevermind, all for my license.
have to keep my goal in mind:  December!
preferably November lah, then at least i can drive to school =D



Nenek loves my cream puffs!(:
thank you, Chef Travor =DD



Apparently, melatar-ing is a "sickness" that ( Malay ) people suffer 'cause of big personal problems that are bothering them...i must be really troubled =/